Am I loved? In search of true Intimacy.
Into me see, into my deepest most vulnerable parts. Intimacy. How well do you see into me? How well do you know me? Dating can be terrifying at times, even with all the boundaries things can be tricky, in terms of sharing vulnerable, intimate things with your partner. I realized that vulnerability or intimacy needs a covenantal commitment footing. It is the birthplace of a relationship to RISE.
R- Recreational intimacy
This intimacy is shared when you enjoy doing recreational things with your partner, for example, swimming, hiking, zip-lining, visiting the same restaurants.
I- Intellectual intimacy
Can you have intense stimulation of thoughts with your partner and you both enjoy it? Can you have this conversation without any of you feeling intimidated or find you boring or shallow?
S- Spiritual intimacy
Do you have the same concept of creation with your partner? Do you have the same beliefs? Are you equally yoked? Do you grow each other spiritually?
Do you feel safe and vulnerable in the relationship? Is it a safe space?
The above types of intimacy make a relationship thrive or rise, when you add ‘s’, it becomes rises and the last one is sexual intimacy which is very important in marriage (keynote-marriage not courtship or dating). Through any of the above intimacy, you feel the love between you and your partner. Sometimes it may not be your partner’s fault that you may be feeling unloved. So what are the reasons you may be feeling unloved?
You do not know your creator
It is important to recognize that God is love 1 john 4:8. If you understand what God’s love is, how consistent it is and you are called BELOVED by Him, then no other love given to you will compare with that given to you by God Himself. This is why it is very important to establish an intimacy with God.
God has shared His vulnerable parts to you in the Bible, His immense love for you; you can get to see how he gets angry and jealous, Deuteronomy 6:15. Through Jesus, we can also see vulnerability when he weeps and puts His life on the line to save us. Are you intimate with God?
Do you let Him see your deepest and darkest thoughts? Do you have those hard conversations with Him, the ones that give you guilt and shame? Intimacy with God is a very firm foundation before intimacy with any other person, or even yourself.
Low self-esteem- Am I Loved?
The other intimacy that is very important is intimacy with you. Do you have hard and tough conversations with yourself instead of ignoring it?” Yaani, huwa unajiita mkutano?” Do you call yourself for meetings? This is important to evaluate yourself. I remember once I had really low self-esteem, but, I embarking on a journal journey since I love writing in my journal.
I did 31 days of self-love with my mentor, some questions were hard to answer since I didn’t want to have hard conversations with myself, but she made the questions easier because of years she has been around my life.
It’s good you have an accountability partner who will keep you in check and help you have tough conversations with yourself. Being intimate with yourself will make it easier to be intimate with someone else, you will not be putting on a façade.
You refuse to accept that you are loved.
If you are like me you have been emotionally abused in the past, you barely understand what true love is. There’s one thing knowing that God loves you and there’s another thing believing it and living like it. It took time for me to accept love from God since my relationship with my dad was rocky.
I always dated people who did not really love me because abuse is all I knew. I thank God that He redeemed me, now I can accept His love and love from my godly boyfriend and others. Acceptance is the key to moving forward and finding a solution. I hope you accept true love.
Everybody has a past, some we got ourselves into but later got saved by God’s grace. Mostly there are things that we would not want to talk about or rather talk in a safe space. Here are some red flags that you should note after being vulnerable with your partner.
- The one who hears the story and is ashamed of you. This person that draws attention to themselves. You have to make them feel better by pimping your story so that they can feel less ashamed, for example, you can tell them it was a prank for them to feel better and be comfortable around you.
- The person who responds with sympathy than empathy. That does not help the situation; it actually makes you feel worse about it because they are feeling sorry and pity for you instead of putting themselves in your shoes.
- The ones who make you feel that they are better than you. After you tell them your shame story, they become patronizing and condescending.
- The one who feels like you are not perfect anymore in their eyes anymore, instead of focusing on your hurt and pain, they focus on how bad they feel because you have disappointed them yet they had high hopes in you or had this picture of you in their mind that has now been ruined.
- The one that will make you feel even worse by asking,” how could you let that happen to you?”, they can’t grasp the fact that it has already happened and they think it’s all your fault.
- Someone who thinks it’s a minute problem and they tarnish the courage you took to be vulnerable by telling you that you are exaggerating the issue.
- The ones who take your vulnerability for granted by telling you that they have faced worse than you have, so you have no right to feel the way you are feeling.
Now let us dive into the juicy part of this blog post. We have established the basis of intimacy, let us see how we can identify if a girlfriend or boyfriend truly loves you.
When your partner talks about the future, he/she uses “we” not “I”
It is a red flag when your partner still considers he single in future. It is all planned out, but is it planned out with you? If you’re not part of the plan, you are not part of the future.
When what he/she does or say does not , matches with his “I love you”
You should be worried when he starts pulling away, not returning phone calls or texts, rather hung out with his/her friends, or makes excuses to not spend time with you.
When he speaks your love language
It is important that you know each other’s love language and makes an effort to fulfill each other’s needs as much as it may not be enjoyable, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time.
When he/she wants you to spend time with his family
Your partner makes you feel like you are part of his family and friends and him making an effort to spend time with your family too shows he/she is a keeper.
When he/she apologises when he’s wrong
I’m the only one who finds apologizing after you have made a mistake very attractive? Letting your pride down and humbling yourself after you have made a mistake is very mature.
When he/she compromises for you
There are some things that are core values that should not be compromised for example sex before marriage but if your partner sacrifices what he loves, what is not a core value, to accommodate you, you are loved, my friend.
When he loves you like Christ loves the church
Christ offers the in spite of kind of love, not the conditional kind of love. He loves the church so much that He died for us, Ephesians 5:25. Does your partner love you like Christ loves the church?
It is however important to note that, you will not feel loved by your partner 24/7. God loves us all the time and His love is constant, Psalms 36:5, but at times circumstances may make you feel like He loves you lesser than before. I may not be feeling loved by my boyfriend all the time, but one thing I know at the back of my mind even when He is tough on me is that he still loves me, the unconditional type of love.
May God help us to know the difference. You maybe like me, very forgetful, I have written a list of things my partner did or is continuously doing that prove his love for me. As humans we forget a lot, it’s good to go back to your list or the Bible whenever you feel down or unloved.
I wrote this poem to my boyfriend on one of our anniversaries, I hope many Christian girls can relate and many Christian guys can imitate.
Your willingness to repent reminds me of David
Your patience reminds me of Abraham
Your leadership skills reminds me of Moses
Your firmness reminds of Elijah
Your gentleness reminds me of Boaz
Your remarkable talents reminds me of Bezalel
Your wisdom reminds me of Solomon
Your strength reminds me of Samson
Your prayers and principles remind me of Daniel
Your courage reminds me of Joshua
Your brutal honesty reminds me of Jeremiah
Your faithfulness reminds me of Hosea
Your generosity reminds me of Cornelius
Your willingness to listen
and being present friend reminds me of John
Your love for me reminds me of Jesus
The in spite of unconditional love
Just as Christ loves the church
May I continually see God’s love through you.
Written by Yvonne Wanjiru Kihumba.